John and I got married with the intention of not having any children, but agreeing to revisit the issue after five years. Just before we hit the half-decade marker, we revisited it one evening when I came home and asked him, "What do you think about having a baby?" Turns out he'd been giving it some thought even longer than I had.
So we did. But sometimes I allow my imagination to follow along the path not taken -- the one where we stuck to our guns and remained childless. I imagine our life would be very much the same as it was before we had a baby. Lots of disposable income from both of us working full time. Martinis over long, late-afternoon Saturday lunches. Weekends filled with nothing but a stack of DVDs, the NY Times, and lots of take out. Late nights out followed by late mornings sleeping in. Frequent weekend trips to wherever we could get a cheap fare.
In short, we would be incredibly happy and satisfied with our life together. We would feel no regrets and our life would be wonderful.
But I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know what it is like to love someone as intensely as I love Ezra. Because, even though everyone told me about the amazing love a parent feels for their child, I never believed a child would be anything other than a burden to me. And I never imagined I would love this little person with such an overwhelming, all encompassing power that sometimes I think I am going to splinter into a million little pieces from the sheer force of that intensity inside of me.
So maybe there are days when I walk around not realizing I have a mix of chewed up graham cracker and saliva dried on the shoulder of my shirt. And we have to be more careful about how we spend money. And I will probably not get to sleep later than 7 a.m. for at least 11 more years. And yes, a lot of the time he is something of a burden. But I am so so so glad we changed our minds because Ezra is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and to me and John. He is a projection of our love, tangible evidence of something pure and beautiful. And he is just amazing.
There is nothing I can write that is not a cliche, and nothing I write would convince the 28 year old me that reproducing would be this rewarding or that it would actually be galvanizing. But it is all of that and so much more.
